What Does it Mean to be a Side? Gay Sex Beyond Anal
In my experience, a lot of sex therapy is just normalizing someone's sexual experiences or worries. When things get more complex, it moves into education, technique, or deeper psychotherapy work. Consider this post the normalizing part, starting with how we define sex when it comes to men who have sex with men.
When most people define sex, they tend to think about penetration. One person receiving, one person giving. If it's not that, is it even sex?
That narrow definition starts falling apart relatively quickly. Lesbian sex isn't always penetrative, and nobody would argue it doesn't count… I also tend to avoid arguing with lesbians. So why does the logic hold so tightly when we talk about men who have sex with men? Maybe I’m suggesting there is a hole in this narrative (I went there).
Among gay men especially, sexual roles are often even more clearly defined: tops (the ones penetrating during anal sex), bottoms (the ones receiving), and versatile, or "verse" (the ones who do both). Gay hookup apps, like Grindr, even let you filter by type. For a lot of guys, top/bottom compatibility drives who they're willing to hook up with or even determine long-term relationship fit. There's also a subculture that reads tops as more masculine and bottoms as more feminine, which I'd argue has more to do with homophobia than anything about the men themselves.
But what if anal sex isn't your thing, for any number of reasons, and you still enjoy plenty of other parts of sex with men? Maybe you’re a side?
Where the Term Came From?
Side is a term created by Dr. Joe Kort in a 2013 HuffPost piece called "Guys on the 'Side': Looking Beyond Gay Tops and Bottoms." For many, it was a relief to see a word coined for what they were into rather than what they were not. It may be validating to learn that a 2011 study by George Mason found that only 35% of gay and bisexual men had penetrative sex during their last encounter, meaning the majority didn't. If anything, even the strict tops and bottoms out there have likely been a side on the side at times. For some sides, they may just not be into anal, but it could also be issues with physical comfort/abilities, past trauma, partner fit, anal health issues, certain STI/HIV mitigation, and many other reasons. In the end, a side is a preference for other types of sexual acts such as oral or frottage. It isn't a character or sexual flaw. Hell, even Grindr has Side right along with Top, Bottom, and Versatile, thanks to a push by Kort's Facebook group, Side Guys.
Does it Still Count as Sex?
When we expand our view of sex to beyond penetration, as we should, absolutely, activities like oral sex is sex. So is mutual masturbation, frottage, intercrural sex, and manual stimulation. Ultimately, the definition of sex is what you define sex to be. However, I encourage you to consider the full range of sexual pleasure. Sexologists have also moved toward broader definitions of sex that center consent and pleasure over any specific act, like the Six Principles of Sexual Health developed by Douglas Braun-Harvey.
You’re Gay Enough. Period.
If you identify as a side, you’re “gay enough.” You’re romantically and sexually attracted to men, which makes you gay or bi. Your preferred sexual positions, activities, and interests do not make you any less sexual, with or without anal. And, based on the Mason data, it certainly doesn't mean you're destined to be on the sidelines and sexless either. It just defines what you're into, sexually. And yes, non-anal sex is still sex. If you want a source more legitimate than me, Wikipedia includes "side" in its "Terminology of Homosexuality" entry. If it's on Wikipedia, it must be a thing.
Do You Have to Pick a Lane?
No. Preferences can also change over time, or shift depending on the partner or partners, romantic or otherwise. Don't feel like you're stuck with a label.
This isn’t the first time I’ve pushed back on narrowing definitions of sex. This topic loosely ties to something I've written about before: the idea that sex only counts if it's fireworks and mind-blowing orgasms every time. Here, similarly, some guys get caught up thinking amazing gay sex requires penetration. Same trap, different flavor. Stop measuring your sex life and preferences against tops and bottoms as the benchmark. Enthusiastically and unapologetically enjoy what you like, skip what you don’t, and rest assured there are plenty of sides out there to be your main course for a lifetime.
If you’re on Instagram and want to see more reflections like this, you can find me at @relationalbodies.