What Does It Mean to Be Sexually Healthy?

Sexual health is often misunderstood. It can sound incredibly dry, even. Usually, we think of checkups, STI testing, birth control, or whether we’re having “too much” or “not enough” sex. But sexual health is much more layered and contextual. It has to do with your safety, your choices, your capacity for pleasure, and how you connect with yourself and others.

According to the World Health Organization (I bolded parts for emphasis), “Sexual health is a state of physical, emotional, mental, and social well-being in relation to sexuality. It is not merely the absence of disease, dysfunction, or infirmity. Sexual health requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationships, as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination, and violence.”

Personally, I appreciate WHO’s “yes and” definition by pairing the absence of STIs and dysfunction with pleasure and positive sexual experiences. Sexual health isn’t just a clinical topic. It’s deeply personal, and it’s affected by the messages you grew up with, your identity, your body, and the relationships you’ve had (or haven’t had).

Sexual health goes beyond the table stakes of protection and prevention. It’s a deeper, more personal relationship with safety, autonomy, pleasure, and the stories we carry about who we’re allowed to be. Let me suggest a different, maybe more digestible, way to look at your sexual health.

Six Principles of Sexual Health

These six principles, developed by the Doug Braun-Harvey, offer a solid foundation and ones I subscribe to as a sex therapist and sexual person. Think of these principles as sexual values that can help you think more clearly about what healthy sex might look like for you.

Consent

Consent is more than a “yes” or “no.” It’s an active, evolving conversation that gives (or takes away) permission involving sexual acts and intimacy between adults, and being fully aware of the power dynamics in play. Real consent creates the conditions for trust, which makes exploration possible. Consent assists with sexual safety and pleasure that align with sexual desires. It’s the way we communicate what we want and how we want it to affect us. Frankly, consent can be sexy to negotiate, and its own type of foreplay. Make consent fun, clear, and enthusiastic!

Non-exploitation

Sex should never be coercive or manipulative. This includes obvious abuses of power, but also moments where someone may feel unable to set boundaries out of fear of rejection or abandonment. Healthy sex relies on mutual respect. Everyone involved should feel safe, free to choose, not impaired, and not pressured into roles or dynamics they didn’t agree to (see “consent” above). Sexual exploitation between partners can include anything in which one or both of the partners unilaterally alter the implied, assumed, or clearly stated sexual agreement (i.e., infidelity). What makes it exploitive is the breach of trust, especially when it’s hidden, denied, or left unacknowledged.

Honesty

In sex therapy, I often see how honesty with oneself is the hardest first step.

Sexual health includes being honest with yourself and with the people you engage with sexually. Honesty is about openness to pleasure, clarity in communication, and a willingness to learn about your own sexuality over time.

Honesty starts with you. It asks: What do I want? What feels good? What am I afraid to say out loud? It also means being willing to discuss identities, relationship structures, and boundaries—especially in queer and nontraditional spaces, where assumptions can easily misfire.

Honesty isn’t a single standard. It will likely shift for you depending on context, relationship, or even who’s in the room. But without it, the other principles of sexual health start to lose their footing.

One of the most powerful things we can model, whether in relationships or as caregivers, is that honest conversations about sex are not only possible but welcomed. Even a moment as small as thanking someone for asking a question about sex can send a lifelong message: “honesty is safe here.”

Shared Values

Sexual health also involves how we think about sex, what it means to us, and how those meanings align (or don’t) with our partners. Our sexual values are shaped by many things: family, culture, religion, media, and lived experience. For some, sex is tied to intimacy or commitment. For others, it might be about play, connection, or affirmation. There is no one right way to define it; it just helps to understand how your values were shaped. Are they your chosen values or ones you’ve inherited?

What matters is naming your values and not assuming they are shared. Two people might enjoy the same act but hold very different meanings around it. When partners talk honestly about what sex means to them, it can create clarity, reduce confusion, and deepen connection even when their values differ.

Prevention from STIs and Unintended Pregnancy

Being sexually healthy means staying informed, sharing that information with your partner(s), and encouraging open updates in return. Whether it’s using condoms, scheduling regular STI tests, taking PrEP, or knowing your fertility options, this is about protecting your health and your peace of mind. There is a lot of unnecessary shame around STIs, but managing risk and having open conversations supports real sexual health. Talking about protection doesn’t have to ruin the moment. Use the conversation to build trust. Trust can be very sexy.

Pleasure

Pleasure is a central part of sexual health and certainly one of the main drivers for sexual activity. It includes solo sex (masturbation), partnered sex, and any moment where touch, arousal, or connection feels good and aligned. For many people, especially those raised in sex-negative or rigid cultural environments, pleasure can feel confusing or even guilt-inducing.

Sexual pleasure doesn’t always match what we’re told it “should” look or feel like. What turns us on might not align with who we think we’re supposed to be, or how others see us. But sexual health invites us to stay curious about what feels good and to explore that in ways that are consensual, respectful, and free of shame.

Partners don’t need to want all the same things, but mutual pleasure means each person’s desires, limits, and curiosity are valued. There is no fixed formula. Some people find connection through intensity, others through slowness or play. What matters is presence, attunement, and shared exploration.

For LGBTQ+ and kink-identified individuals, pleasure can be layered with shame, invisibility, or pressure to perform a certain way. It’s a common theme in therapy.

These six principles serve as guideposts and are not rigid rules. They can help you clarify what healthy sex looks like for you, in ways that align with your identity, your body, and your relationships.

If you’re on Instagram and want to see more reflections like this, you can find me at @relationalbodies.