Good Enough Sex: It Can Be More Than Enough

I’ve been thinking about the ways we talk about sex, especially what we define as “good.” Somewhere along the way, good sex became synonymous with extraordinary sex. Not just satisfying or connective, but cinematic. We’re talking rock-hard, never-fail erections; fully aroused, ready, able, and willing vulvas. Perfect rhythm. Simultaneous orgasms (let’s throw in multiple ones for fun, too). Spontaneity that’s never interrupted by dogs, kids, cramps, logistics, or awkward pauses.

In this version, “good” sex is incredible sex. And incredible sex, by definition, is not ordinary. It’s… well, extra-ordinary.

Which is fine. There’s nothing wrong with wanting something mind-blowing. But if that becomes the expectation every time, then anything less starts to feel like a disappointment. Unrealistic expectations usually lead to disappointing outcomes… pun intended.

There’s a model I really like that helps reframe all this. It’s called the Good Enough Sex model, created by Drs. Michael Metz and Barry McCarthy. The name is a bit of a bait-and-switch because it initially reads like we’re settling, but it’s really about shifting from performance and perfection to connection and realism. They suggest that sex doesn’t have to be perfect to be valuable. It just needs to be good enough to leave people feeling connected, wanted, maybe even a little surprised or amused, but not judged.

It also acknowledges that sex, like everything else in long-term relationships, evolves. Early on during that glorious limerence period, the sex is intense, frequent, and new, with a lot of “let’s try this next” moves. We’re charged with novelty, horniness, and anticipation. Unfortunately, many people aren’t prepared for the early-stage fire to settle into something less smoldering and, well, more ordinary. And instead of seeing it as normal, they assume something is broken. It’s not.

A Realistic Take on What Good Sex Actually Involves

The Good Enough Sex model describes the emotional and relational foundations of satisfying sex over time. It’s not a list of techniques or a script to follow. In fact, it encourages us to revisit our sexual scripts that worked great in the past, but maybe not so much now. These twelve dimensions reflect how couples who experience resilient, collaborative sexuality tend to think about sex and how they talk about it, feel during it, and make sense of it afterward.

1.     Sex is a good, positive thing in life.
It’s allowed to be shame-free, comforting, pleasurable, and confidence-boosting. Sexually satisfied couples see the inherent goodness of sex.

2.     Sex and relationship satisfaction are tied together.
When partners feel like a team emotionally, it tends to show up in how they experience sex. And vice versa. Metz and McCarthy describe couples as an “intimate team.”

3.     Expectations shape satisfaction.
What you expect from sex shapes how you experience it. When those expectations are unrealistic or you’re stuck in a younger, fantasy-based version of yourself, it’s easy to feel let down. Expectations that fit your age, relationship, and context make sex more satisfying, not less. Sexually satisfied couples tend to recognize hype versus reality. Heck, you can turn media into a game with your partner. Watch erotica or even a mainstream movie and count the unrealistic moments: no lube (ouch), no awkward clean-up, shower sex (unless you have a slip-and-fall kink), and so on.

4.     Care and confidence matter.
Sexual connection is influenced by how we care for our bodies (sleep, exercise, stress management, habits, etc.). Feeling good sexually isn’t about having the “right” body; it’s about having a body you respect and respecting your partner’s body, too.

5.     Relaxation is essential.
If you’re carrying stress, resentment, or pressure into the bedroom, your nervous system’s going to notice. When we’re younger (under 30), we typically can overcome high levels of anxiety and be able to function and enjoy sex. As we age, not so much. Anxiety does not equal arousal. Thus, learning to relax our bodies, minds, and our relationships becomes more foundational.

6.     Pleasure matters as much as function.

Many couples fall into a pattern where sex becomes about performance: erections, lubrication, orgasm, done. Couples coping with infertility tend to fall into this trap. But, not surprisingly, that approach often creates more anxiety than connection. That anxiety can cause issues with arousal. The GES model invites a shift where pleasure, touch, and shared arousal matter as much as function.

7.     Let go of perfect sex and embrace the variety and variability of quality.
Most sex falls somewhere in the middle. There’s a shorthand I’ve come across called the 85% rule: around 85% of sex is fine, or good enough. The other 15% is subjectively fantastic or kind of a flop (sometimes literally). That kind of variability is normal, and couples who accept it, rather than chase perfection, tend to report greater sexual satisfaction.

8.     Sex serves many purposes.
Primarily, reproduction, stress relief, sensual pleasure, emotional closeness, and self-esteem. What you need from sex can change. In healthy relationships, those purposes are positively motivated. Our reasons for sex will significantly change from time to time. The rub can be if one partner has a different motivation than the other, and that “sexual agenda” hasn’t been communicated or clarified (pro tip: healthy couples communicate).

9.     There are three different arousal styles.
Some people get turned on by connection with a partner (like eye contact, erotic talk). Others, by being in their own body or “self-entrancement” (eyes closed, quiet, focused on what’s happening within). Others by fantasy, play, or roles (“role enactment”). People are capable of blending the different styles, and that ability to adapt the style can increase enjoyment over the long term.

10.  Gender differences exist and can be respected.
You don’t have to be the same to be compatible. Understanding and honoring gender differences allows couples to enjoy good enough sex.

11.  Sex is part of real life.
It’s not separate from stress, work, kids, health, and aging. When it’s integrated into the rest of life, rather than put on a pedestal, it becomes more sustainable.

12.  Sex is personal and meaningful.
It can be playful, spiritual, awkward, erotic, or intimate. What it means is up to you; it can, and will, shift over time.

In Sum: Real Sex Isn’t a Highlight Reel

The idea that you can have consistently “good enough” sex that is responsive, collaborative, and even a little unpredictable doesn’t sound revolutionary until you realize how many people feel like something’s wrong with them. Or like they must keep recreating early-relationship chemistry to prove they’re still compatible.

In Discover Your Couple Sexual Style, McCarthy and McCarthy encourage partners to develop “positive, realistic expectations,” explore their “sensual sexual options,” and actually communicate their desires. Imagine talking about what you want instead of hoping your partner is psychic!

Good Enough Sex doesn’t mean boring sex. It means sex that works for you. It means shifting away from performance pressure toward play, from anxiety toward connection, from outcome toward experience.

If you’re partnered, it’s also about learning what “sexual teamwork” looks like over time—not just in limerence, but when couplehood is messier and more real. And if you’re wondering why things feel off, or if it’s okay that it looks different than it used to, this model might help you ask better questions. Not “how do I get back to what we had?” but “how can we build something that actually fits who we are now?”

Sometimes, “good enough” turns out to be more honest, more spacious, and more satisfying than what we were chasing to begin with.

If you’re on Instagram and want to see more reflections like this, you can find me at @relationalbodies.